Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in marie's LiveJournal:

Saturday, August 19th, 2000
8:14 pm	I don't feel old enough to be as old as i am. i still feel like a child. I just got back from a family reunion at Ferg and Shirley's. It was wonderful to see everyone together like that, but unfortunately there were a number of people missing. My cousin James, is in Italy right now, my cousin Paul is headed over for Europe as well and Sarah is off to Germany in October!!! Good God, but we're going to have to start having reunions in Europe now!!!! I hate that everyone has to move away and live separate lives, but i guess that makes these kind of gatherings that much more special. Mom, Dad and the kids showed up for a couple of hours too, which was really nice, but then i got flack for the outfit i wore from them both. Everyone else at the party thought my skirt and top were really pretty, but i was showing too much skin for my parents' liking. It was either my belly or my breasts, so i figured that Dad would be more uncomfortable if the latter was revieled so i opted for the belly- but i STILL didn't win! Ho, Hum... I'm off to another party now- let's hope i'm not the first one there. i don't know what it is, but i'm always the first one to arrive no matter HOW late i come! This time tomorrow i'll be at DIXIE CHICKS!!!!! You don't understand how excited i am!!!!!!! I've never been to a concert- don't laugh!! We're taking a limo down and back- i can't wait!!!! Gotta go!!! Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: DIXIE CHICKS!!! (4 Comments |Comment on this)
9:00 am	Have you ever awoke in the morning and discovered how fragile your little world really is and that it's about to fall apart? It happened to me on Thursday morning when my mom came into my bedroom at 8:30 and sat on my bed and cried her heart out. She told me to try and find somewhere to stay for the night. Things have gone wrong around here before, but not to the point where i HAD to leave the house. The thing that gets me is that i've done nothing wrong for my dad to be so upset. Mom says that he's upset because of the past situations, claiming that she never backed him up in any of the decisions he made with me. He would say that he didn't want me to do this, and she would let me do it anyway. But what upsets me is that i never did anything that he had reason to say no to. I go to the movies, a school/community dance, into town for coffee/dinner with friends, go to a party at a friends. That is the extent of the things i do that he often doesn't want me to and the reason Mom lets me do them is because that's what normal teenagers do! I just don't understand why he has to get so upset about everything i do. Nanny says that he's jealous, Jason says it's because i'm not his...but the truth of the matter is that i'm more his than i am Michael's... It turns out that Mom called me at work and told me to come home and they seemed ok- not up to their usual standard of a married couple, but at least they were talking again. He promised me that he would never leave her and i'm holding him to it! She's always so insecure about him leaving- i think that's her greatest fear. He would die without her and he knows it and that frightens him to death. She's crawl under a rock and wither if he left. She's the strongest woman i know, and someday i hope that i'm half the woman she is, but she couldn't handle it if he left her. I'd like to think that i could pull her through, but she would never be the same... Maybe once i'm out of the equation they can get along better- they won't have anyone to disagree over. Mom will DEFINATELY back Dad up when it comes to Emily. But then she might just sit back and watch the battle ensue, and believe me, there'll be a battle. She'll fight back and put him in his place... something i never had the courage to do because it kills me when he's angry at me and won't say a word or even look at me. There's a lot of bitterness on my part too, and i he doesn't that because i've never been able to talk to him!!! The way he treated me growing is SO much different to the way he is with the kids! He was so hard on me, and blunt and sometimes, down right cruel. I don't know if i'm a victim of the 'first child syndrom', or his emotional instability as the father of another man's child, his jealousy or what?! He was a different man when he first married Mom. Coming from the Falls Road in Belfast, Ireland he was troubled and hard and perhaps the way he raised me was part of his mellowing, i don't know. When we travelled over to Ireland and walked on the streets that he did, i understood him better and i think i blame a lot of who he is on me grandmother, who can't love anyone but herself. She's selfish, raising her kids in Hell on earth so the government would give her more money! Any woman who WILLING subject her children to the lifestyle she put hers in is CRUEL to the BONE!!!! But just thinking about the whole situation makes my head hurt almost as much as my heart. We can't change the past and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?... I left work for good yesterday... I'll never see Jason again in my life- i know that now. I thought i might see him next week when i pick up my paycheck, but he's taking the week off and i think that he might Asselstine's and finally DO something with his life. Maybe it's good that way since i gave him the letter i wrote. I gave everyone good-bye letters, but his was by far the most emotional of them all. I told him things that i needed to say, but there was still so very much i left unwritten, unsaid. Lying in bed last night, i felt confident that it was the right thing to do and that i wouldn't regret it. He's only a person and i'm only a person, so what is there to be afraid of?! Sometimes i feel as if i imagined the whole thing. I never went out on dates with him, we never touched, we didn't utter the words i remember. There was a time when the thought of him would make by body shiver uncontrollably. It was the most unhealthy situation in the world. I didn't know it was possible for my body to reflect the turmoil in my heart... Yes, my world is so very fragile, but i am strong and should it ever truly break, i know that i can pick up the pieces and start again. Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: Almost Doesn't Count- Mark Wills (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 16th, 2000
12:20 am	What is about the male species that makes me hate them, but want them all at the same? He doesn't touch me anymore- Jason, I mean. There was a time when all he ever DID was touch me and GOD did I love it! I'm sorry if that's wrong, but God help me, I loved it. He touched me the other day by accident, and he jerked his hand away, as if he had touched an open flame and i had to smile at his reaction. It hurt and shocked me at the same time. Did he pull away like that because he hates me or is he afraid to touch me for fear that a reoccurence of recent history will happen?... What is it with men and being afraid?! Can't they just face their fears?! We played that word game that we've always played. You know, the one where you hint at something but don't tell the entire truth, but it's sort of said between the lines?... He claimed today that i was too emotional (I was complaining about my Dad) and then he said that he was emotionless. I said that he had a heart of stone and Dan laughed, proclaiming that I was bitter. My response to that was, "I have a right to be bitter..." Jason went on to say that some things you should just let slide and I simply said, "But there are some things that need closure" He didn't know what to say to that. The thing about our... 'relationship' is that it shouldn't have happened in the first place, but it did and we can't change the fact that we knew it was wrong (He has a girlfriend, and at the time of our interlude she was away at school)but went ahead and persued it anyhow. Don't get me wrong, I tried to stop it from happening. I took him aside and said that it hurt me that i couldn't have him and we needed to stop doing the things we were doing, but we didn't and I never mentioned the having to stop again. I didn't want it to stop, I cared about him, I care about him still and that's why it hurt so much that he never said goodbye, or that he was sorry that it had to end this way... You know what, I'm sorry that i keep ranting and raving about all the 'problems' in my life because there really are none, I'm just being "melodramatic", as my Dad would say. I looked in the mirror tonight and noticed that my chin and neck were becoming one... That scares me so much and yet i still eat ice cream and chocolate, knowing that i'm not going to find a pair of jeans that will fit this fall. I watched "Erin Brocavich" with Julia Roberts. Talk about a cool woman! I wish that i could say everything that popped into my head!!! I went for a walk today and went around to my old high school and noticed all the graphity on the portables. Please, anyone, tell me what the point is to drawing a huge penis and writing 'fuck you' on a portable is! I have nothing against people expressing their creativeness, I even admire some of the stuff i see on the buildings in T.O., but if drawing a penis is as creative as you get, then you need help! But honestly, why do people insist on doing shit like that? Especially at a school! hum... i think i've subjected your ears- or is it eyes?- for one night. thanx for your time. See ya later Current Mood: drained Current Music: lady in red- chris deburgh (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 15th, 2000
11:56 am	my sister told me this morning that my parents had an argument last night while i was out. I was afraid to ask what the fight had been about, mostly because I already knew the answer. Dad was mad again because apparently i get away with too much, but that's a down right lie because i don't DO anything TO get away with anything, unless you count going to the movies as something to get away with... Emily says that he was upset because he never spends time with- i spend it all with my friends. The truth of the matter is that 6 years ago i asked him to go to lunch with me, his response?..."I'll take a rein-check" (Did i spell that right?) It's been six years and my $20 is STILL in my top drawer. Mom says that he said that he didn't want to go because he thought it would be too "uncomfortable". Well, it's going to BE uncomfortable untill you do something about it!!! He has NO RIGHT to be upest that i have my own life now, and i just don't understand!!!! I'm so tired of feeling angry... i hate getting frustrated with him... i don't want to feel guilty every time i want to go out with friends. God, I'm 19!!!! Why won't he let me go???...What is he afraid of? He always says that he'll listen whenever any of us has something to say, but he lies because he doesn't. In the 15 years he's been my father, I stood up for myself for the first time at the age of 18, and do you know what he did?! He turned around and told Mom that it was HER fault that I was yelling!!!! Can you believe that?! Then he refused to talk to me for 4 days, that was the most painful thing. Mom wanted me to talk to him, but i refused to crawl back to that man again. I've been crawling all my life with him and i won't do it anymore, not even for her. I know that i'm being selfish because she has always been there for me and always taken my side, but i can't do it anymore; i won't. Of all the men in my life, he's broken my heart the most. I thought Dads were suppose to heal them, not make them... Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)